Delček dijaški izdelkov, ki nastajajo v času pouka na daljavo, predstavljamo tudi na naši spletni strani. Današnja objava je namenjena razmišljanju dijakinje 2. letnika.
Budilka zazvoni ob 7.15. Spravim se iz postelje in počasi odtavam v kopalnico, da bi si umila zobe. Običajno ravno iztiskam kolodont iz tube, ko se od spodaj zasliši Anin glas: »Mici, a boš ugasnila budilko!« Zavijem z očmi – pa saj sem kriva sama. Vedno nastavim dve ali tri, za vsak slučaj, in če me po čudežu zbudi prva, ostale vedno pozabim ugasniti. Zato potem tečem v sobo, da utišam tisti nadležni zvok. Sproti se še preoblečem in posteljem posteljo, potem sem pa nared! Ker zdaj ni Eve, ki bi me potrpežljivo čakala, da greva skupaj na zajtrk, se pač sama odpravim dol. Ker še napol spim, me prestraši Anina pojava, ki se s skodelico kave v roki prikaže izza kakšnega vogala. »Mmm, diši, jaz bi tudi …« Ko poskrbim še za to, skupaj sedeva za mizo in pojeva zajtrk. Sami sva, ati in mami sta že šla v službo, in prav prijetno tiho je. Potem pospraviva in Ana gre v cerkev ali pa na Bogenšperk vadit. Jaz pa nazaj gor, v svojo sobo. Sedem za pisalno mizo, pogledam na seznam nalog, ki sem si jih zadala za ta dan, in začnem …
Verjetno vam je za potek moje trenutne jutranje rutine precej vseeno. Pa za preostanek dneva tudi – ker pač od tu naprej ne postane kaj bolj razburljivo in zabavno. Popoldne grem običajno še ven, malo berem, postopam po hiši in nekaj časa za mizo obsedim s starši, ko se vrnejo iz službe. Sicer delam za šolo. Ne morem reči, da ravno uživam, hudega mi pa tudi ni … Dovolim si tudi vzeti čas za stvari, ki me najbolj veselijo, pa mi zanje sicer čez leto zmanjkuje časa. Vsekakor pa živim na kakšnem obratu manj, kot bi delovala sicer, če bi bile razmere »normalne« in bi bila sedaj sredi majske sezone testov.
Če bi me pred tremi meseci vprašali, če si želim takega maja, bi vam najprej odgovorila: »Ja! Halo? Vse bi dala za to!« In res, vse, kar sem si še v začetku marca želela, je bilo to, da bi se svet okoli mene vsaj za trenutek ustavil. Da bi lahko v miru postorila to in ono in zraven še globoko vdihnila. Samo malo miru sem si želela. In sem ga dobila … V večji dozi, kot bi si kdaj upala želeti. Ampak še zmeraj ne vem, če je to to. Nekaj še vseeno ne »štima«.
Tistega nesrečnega 12. marca smo vsi mrzlično pakirali svoje stvari, čakali starše, da nas pridejo iskat. Misleč, da se v šolo še vrnemo, verjetno res ne čez 14 dni, ampak tam po veliki noči pa zagotovo. Še sedaj se včasih nasmehnem ob misli na naivno Marijo, ki je profesorju Kočanu pisala mail, da bi »v kolikor bo to že možno, predstavitev referata opravila kar ob rednem datumu, 16. aprila.« Ja, kar misli si! Ampak takrat nisem vedela. Takrat nihče ni vedel ničesar. In morda je bilo ravno to najhuje. To, da nisem vedela, česa se naj veselim. Kaj si naj rečem, ko se bodrim? Zdrži še … Koliko? Do kdaj? Hkrati pa potem, ko smo izvedeli, da se letos v šolo ne vračamo več, ni bilo nič lažje. No, vsaj vedela sem odgovor. Do septembra. Če bo vse posreči …
Od takrat stvari jemljem dan za dnem, uro za uro. Predvsem pa se veliko učim. In preden zavijete z očmi; ne za šolo. Ta je sedaj malo ob strani. Vsak dan se naučim kaj novega o sebi, o ljudeh in o svetu, ki me obdaja. Zato pa tudi ne vem več, kaj sem takrat sploh želela. Po eni strani svoje želje razumem, a hkrati vem, da se marsičesa nisem zares zavedala. Ker sedaj vidim, kako močno ljudje potrebujemo delo, izzive. Kako potrebujemo rutino, strukturo in kako koristni so lahko zunanji pritiski. Tisti, ki nas držijo skupaj, da se ne »razlezemo«, izgubimo. Vidim tudi, kako premalo cenim dotik, nasmeh, pogled, iskren pogovor. Tisti, od katerega sem tolikokrat bežala. Kako potrebujem stvari, ki mi grejo sicer na živce. In kako potrebni so mi ljudje, ki jim lahko povem, kaj mi gre na živce.
Ja, pretekla dva meseca sta bila kot vožnja na enem pokvarjenem in zarjavelem vlakcu smrti, ki mu še kar ni konca. Ampak na njem počasi premagujem tudi svoj strah. Ne strahu pred hitrostjo, ampak pred počasnostjo in negotovostjo življenja, ki ga trenutno živim in ki me obdaja.
Ne pravim, da bo od sedaj naprej vse drugače. Ja, marsikaj se bo spremenilo, predvsem v svetu. In tale »stvarca« bo gotovo še dolgo polnila naše pogovore. Na ravni vsakega posameznika pa … Zase lahko rečem, da morda – kaj se bo zagotovo spremenilo. Ne bo mi čez noč postalo vseeno za šolo in nisem doživela razsvetljenja, ki bi mi razkrilo, kaj je v življenju resnično pomembno. Ne bom ostala na trenutnih obratih, ker ni realno, pa tudi želim si ne. Bom pa gotovo bolj cenila drobne stvari. In ja, kakor se sliši čudno, tudi šolski stres in vse, kar me še živcira. Kar pa ne pomeni, da se ne bom nikoli več nad ničemer pritoževala … In tudi ne, da si ne bom nikoli več želela, da bi se čas in svet okoli mene ustavila. Ampak morda bodo morale biti te želje v bližnji prihodnosti izrečene malo tišje, če se bom želela izogniti kakšnemu grdemu pogledu …
Marija Snežna Benedičič, 2. d
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